Woman I sea.

Strong, as the winds on the ocean,

More beautiful than when the sun kisses the water.


Her voice lulls like a wave’s gentle motion,

A beauty so powerful I find my voice stutters.


Engrossed by the Majesty of her soulful eyes,

like a ship lost in a vast sea.


From this mariner you will hear no cries,

I am not lost, I’m right where I need to be.


Her soft smiles outglow the brightest night star,

Fourteen hundred miles till I can hold my Mar.


-May 2017



The Ghost of Dating’s Future

In high school I was never a ladies’ man. I had little to no confidence. I always assumed girls wanted nothing to do with me. I never liked what I saw in the mirror, why would they? I had no girlfriends in high school, it bothered me a little but it was okay. No big deal, I was going to find love in college, just like mom and dad. 

Well, I knew that would be tough since my school was more than 90% male. How tough exactly I would learn. By early junior year I was still alone, no girlfriend, no girls even remotely interested.

College and all of the leadership positions I uncomfortably forced myself into did wonders for my confidence. But when it came to woman, I was still not confident. I was never, and will never be the type to approach a woman in a bar, or anywhere else, to strike up conversation.

Enter online dating. For a while I cringed at the idea of even trying it, but what other choice did I have? Surely I had nothing to lose. Goes to show how little I knew about my heart and the scary, but potentially rewarding world of dating.


I made an account on OKcupid or Plenty of Fish. I honestly can’t remember which. I filled out my information and wrote a very serious bio. It wasn’t short and you could tell I put in effort. Uploaded some pictures of me I liked best. Now all I had to do is wait. Well after waiting for weeks I realized that waiting for a message doesn’t do a damn thing. I grew some courage, sent some thoughtful messages: “Hi, How are you? I read through your profile and think you did a great job with it. If you’re interested I’d like to get to know more about you.”

You know how many times that worked? Never. I was an online dating noob. And little did I know my long and detailed profile scared more women away then my pictures. I came off as too serious about dating. I was 20, I was supposed to be looking for a hookup and/or not looking for marriage material yet apparently. Clearly no-women-confidence me was not the hookup type. As young adults dating these days, there seems to be no middle ground. Everyone explicitly specifies “no hookups” in their profiles, but the minute you say you are serious about dating they run. In my opinion, what is dating if you aren’t looking for a partner for your future? Not saying there isn’t a long period of making sure that person is good for you. But dating, just to date, and not move on from there, never getting more serious, is not how I do things.


After months of trying, and a few conversations that lasted maybe 10 messages on average, I finally had a conversation worthwhile. Her name was Cynthia. We hit it off well enough. I asked for her number, and very nervously, and anxiously awaited the reply. Well the first time ever asking for a girl’s number and I got it. That broke that first little barrier that I’m sure many of us know. Things progressed for a few weeks and seemingly got better. I was excited, first woman ever to give this much time of day. But surprisingly I managed to keep mostly a level head about it. By now it was about week 3 or 4, we were saying “sleep well”s and “good morning”s everyday. And we had made plans to finally meet the next week.

I was in for my first lesson of the disappointment of the dating world. One day her replies were becoming increasingly sparse. Assumed she was busy, no big deal. And later that night she told me she was busy. No reason not to believe that, she had been messaging me almost nonstop for weeks, she was into me I knew that. Four days away from our date now. The next day she was busy again, hadn’t replied to me in about 4 hours. That’s okay, I’ll message her anyway. “I hope your day is going well. No need to reply right now, I know you are busy. Just saying hi and hang in there”. Well no reply until that night. “sorry, really busy. Hope your day was good”.

Next day. Busy again. Of course. After hearing nothing from her all day, I sent her a little heart to heart message. Something like: “Cynthia, there is no doubt you are busy these days and I’m trying not to be a bother. But it seems things have changed and there is less interest. If you aren’t interested in me you can just tell me. I’ll understand. I think you know I like you, if I’m overdoing it just let me know”.

She replied ensuring me she liked me too and she was sorry for being distant. She was just so busy. And said a bunch of stuff that made me feel a lot better. Well the next morning came, renewed hope I messaged her a nice good morning, saying I was looking forward to finally seeing her that night. No reply. Few hours go by and no reply. Sent a nice message hoping her day was going well. It’s the afternoon now, still have heard nothing from her. “Are you still available tonight?”. About an hour to our date I tried calling her. No answer. Waited and waited. Nothing. Sent her another message, can’t remember the details. Another heart to heart sort of message. Never heard from her again. As a matter of fact, I was blocked on facebook from her too.

I was pretty hurt by that. I was excited about her clearly. And never got the chance the even meet. In a way that made it easier. After all I know that’s why she didn’t go through with the date, it’s much harder to disconnect from the person after that. I can only speculate her reasons. And that’s a natural reaction to being “ghosted”, or even a breakup of any caliber.

It was good preparation for the road of dating ahead of me. It never got in the way of me doing my daily routine at college. Although it was distracting, for about a week I couldn’t get it off my mind. And I probably was a little grumpy.

What I learned, and what others should take away. No it’s not a groundbreaking perspective and it’s not always apparent or easy to accept.

You don’t know their motive, so don’t dwell on the reason: While it’s never right to ignore someone and offer no explanation, it’s also best to not to get caught up and start blaming yourself.

It was him or her, don’t be hard on yourself: Unless you were a complete, utter jerk or had questionable deal breakers, their actions were not how things should go down. But life isn’t fair like that. So yes, blame them, but don’t make it about them. Or you.


Life is hard, there is never a good time: This applies more to people who are in the opposite side of this. No one likes delivering bad news, timing is never right. And if you wait for the right time it’s not going to happen. When you can’t overcome your doubts, make it known. It’s not the easy thing to do, it might even be more hurtful to the person initially, but it’s the right thing to do and it makes for better understanding and healing. And they won’t think of you as a jerk for the rest of their remembrance of you. Do the right thing.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

First off. I’m no astronaut. And I’ll wear that reference and theme out as the story develops. At some point in our young lives we are asked the classic “what do you want to be when you grow up?” And as Hollywood makes it seem, every kid wanted to be astronaut. Who could blame them?

Well I never wanted to be one as a kid. What did I want to be? A construction worker. I always wanted that. My father is my hero. He was always(still is) way cooler than any astronaut out there. My father’s entire career is the heavy construction industry. The backhoes, excavators, bulldozers, trucks, they were just the coolest thing to me. I wanted to be just like dad, the cliche is so fitting. But it is the truth. And as I grew older, I realized I wanted to be like him for way more than the fact he got to play with construction equipment.

I’m from an old school, larger than average family. We all mostly got along and my family means the world to me. My parents are very traditional. Married young, had a child young and kept having them. I’m religious, although I’m not using that as pushing point for any of this. But all of that largely influenced how I developed as a person. My father is a perfect example of chivalry, and I wish to be half of what he is. He always told me “the best you can do for your children in life is love their mother”. He is absolutely right. My parents’ relationship is not without flaws and I’m sure it hit hard times. But their love and commitment to each other has made for a childhood in which I can never complain.

Growing up I did well in school. I played sports, I was no all american but I was good enough to play through college. I was never one for the arts or creativity. Math and science is my thing. And here I am writing a blog. In high school, I always gave everything my all. I managed to squeeze As out of my literature classes despite my lack of interest in them.

The bane of my high school existence was “Intro to Art”. I tried harder in that class than any other. The straight A kid, just couldn’t get it. I managed a C. Creativity is one of my shortcomings. Now this guy is attempting poetry, its coming, hold on folks. There is good reason.

Outside of school I was extremely hands on. My family completely remodeled our house, our vacation house, helped others with their houses, built a barn. Never once did we hire help. We could do it all. And I learned it all. My hobbies became welding, cars and trucks. They still are, I’m mechanical obsessed in a way and there is little I can’t fix.

After high school I went to college for engineering(surprising). Did very well, held many of the top leadership positions within the college’s cadet corps, all of my years there(a quasi-military school) and continued my sports career and enjoyed a captain’s spot on the team.

I graduated college with 14 different job offers. But instead I waited for the right one. In the meantime I worked in construction with my father for the summer. I finally got the call I was looking for. My dream job. An engineering job that required me to be as mechanically inclined as it did smart. The perfect mix of brainwork and hands on. To add to the fact it’s what I love to do, it is six figures, they pay me to travel and six months off a year. Pretty awesome for a 21 year old.

Needless to say I took it, and it’s still my job to this day. I paid off all of my student loans in a few months, finished my project car and bought 3 other project trucks over time, and bought a nice new truck, cash. All while setting back enough money for a house, I started house shopping. The process is a tedious and long one, and its on going.

The job has it drawbacks, but none were insurmountable. The biggest one is that I work away from home, on a ship. For 3 weeks at a time I would jet off to somewhere other than home and work 13 hour shifts for 21 days straight. Then I earned 3 weeks off, then repeat. The 3 weeks off, no commitment to work, no worries, no schedule, not setting an alarm, that’s what makes it worth it.

24 year old me was on top of the world. Successful by most people’s standards. Had my trucks and car, money, soon to have my own house, zero debt, ample vacation time. What more could I want?  I was happy with me and where I was in life, I was doing fine without anyone, for the first time I felt I didn’t need someone to complete me. I was 100% my own person. But I wanted to find someone who is 100% their own person, that would be another plus for me. I didn’t feel a need for it, but I wanted it. The truth, I wanted someone to share it with.  Yes it is nice to know I’m not doing bad for myself, but when you really think about it, it doesn’t mean too much if no one is along for the ride. Life can be pretty empty with no one. All the things in the world you can buy will never excite your heart like another human being can. Objects don’t fill that void in your heart.

In my dating years I had few women come and go. This blog will tell the stories of those relationships. Some hurt more than others, but I always moved on and picked up. And more importantly I realized it was for the better, I realized those women and me weren’t meant to be.

Once I met Maria, life made sense. I will go into far too much detail about my relationship with Maria in the future. Yes I will mention the woman before her, but this blog is truly about Maria. I wasn’t on top of the world anymore. I was on my own star, further and better off in life than I thought ever imaginable.

You’ve been warned.

Before I start to give any background of myself  I need to give some disclaimers. First off, I’m writing this mostly for me. I’m not sure anyone is going to read it, let alone enjoy it. Most people will view it, and me, as possibly pathetic. Again, I’m doing this more for me.

This is my point of view. Once you learn about me you’ll realize I am very logical in approach, I consider all facts, signs and information before making my judgement. I’d like to say my point of view is very inline with the reality of everything that happened. But of course, at the end of the day it is an opinion no less.

This is entirely about a woman who turned my world on its head. I think most of us have been there to some degree.  I’d venture to say most of us have experienced heartbreak before. Most of us move on, it is never easy, some take longer than others. Then there are some that hold on.

So why read my blog that is largely disorganized, poorly constructed and borderline pathetic? Well, maybe I’m trying to present my case, get some people on my side as to why being apart makes absolutely no sense and seem a little less pathetic. So maybe we can all see that sometimes, even when there is no reason for it, life is truly not fair. And it may never right itself. Maybe someone will learn one tiny thing from me, and that will make it worth it to me. And maybe I secretly hope that woman, who I adore, will see this one day.

Bear with me, its going to be a slow process as I attempt to organize the mess that is my brain and heart to produce something comprehensive.

So gather around, or don’t. Listen to a long, confusing story of an Astronaut and his star. Even if you don’t read it, well, I had to write it.